"See, I've been through all this before. There isn't anything left to tell. 'Sides, I don't want to talk about it. I don't like shrinks.
"Why not? Okay, you want to know why not. I'll tell you. There was this shrink I was seeing way back. No, not my idea, my momma sent me. It was supposed to help me, that's what it was for, right? Yeah, well. Silly bitch never thought there was anything wrong with what they did. Stared at me over her stupid wire-framed glasses and kept on saying it was me that was wrong, and it wasn't! It wasn't me!
"What did they do? You want me to—no. I don't wanna talk about it."
"I don't know why they're making me come see you. I already told you, I went through this stuff before.
"I don't want to talk about the kitchen. I don't go in the kitchen. Well, maybe when I was little. And my grandma's kitchen is okay, I'm pretty sure. But kitchens are dirty. Stuff happens in kitchens that you wouldn't—yeah, them. When I found them like that—I had to throw up. It was just, it was disgusting. And now, I don't like to go in the kitchen, it makes me wanna hurl.
"I don't cook. Mostly I eat out. I have my own restaurants, you know. Nobody does that stuff in restaurant kitchens. And I have someone who cooks for me. He knows I'd fire him in a second if he, if there was, if he was dirty. I mean, kitchens should be clean, you know?
"You don't have to tell me what they found. I know what happened in there. I know what they did. It was gross. Like, all the time, anyone could just walk right in there and see them.
"I told you, I don't wanna talk about it."
"I told you, I don't wanna talk about it. This is stupid.
"My childhood? Oh. Okay. I guess. What do you want to know?
"Yeah, I was a happy kid. Really. It was just Mom and me, and I don't think anyone could have had a better childhood. Mom was always right there with me. I guess I always knew I was going to be a singer, a superstar. Mom always says I was singing practically from the day I was born, okay no, not exactly, but she heard me harmonizing with the radio when I was two, so, you know. She got me classes, like, dancing and stuff, and a singing teacher. She wanted me to have what I wanted, she was really great. I had this act when I was maybe nine years old, sang duets with this girl I knew. The local tv station interviewed us, and I was like, wow, I'm famous, and Mom was so proud of me. Then I won this pageant, I think Mom still has the trophy somewhere, and then I got into the Mickey Mouse Club, and she took me out for pizza to celebrate.
"My father? Oh, he left when I was, like, three years old or something, but you know. We get along okay. It didn't really bother me, I mean, he wasn't the one who looked after me, you know? So it was just the two of us, just Mom and me.
"Yeah, yeah, she got married again, I was, I dunno, five years old. My stepfather? Paul's fine. Sure, we get on okay. He's not, I mean, it didn't mean anything, her getting married again. Moms are supposed to be married, I guess. Paul's an okay guy—although. Well. I don't think he was a really good husband, you know what I mean? He couldn't have been.
"Of course I never resented Paul. Why would I?
"Mom came with me to Europe, you know. When we started touring. She knew I needed her, you see, and I was just a kid, still. It was cool. My Mom's really cool, she's not one of those mothers who won't let you do anything except schoolwork. Anyway, she was there for me. She was supposed to be there for me. To make sure nothing bad ever happened to me. That was supposed to be why she was there, right? I mean, sure, she looked out for the other guys too. She was—JC used to say she was like a second mom to him, but it was really me she was there for, he didn't actually need a mom there at all. He's a lot older than me.
"You know what? It was actually me that got JC into the group. You'd think he'd have been a bit more grateful, wouldn't you? I mean, sure, when we were on MMC together he was kind of a big star, he was there before I was, and he did all kinds of stuff. He used to be really nice to me, showed me stuff, like, how to work the cameras when you were supposed to be pretending they weren't there. He always looked so good, he had this smile that made you feel... and I was just this dorky kid.
"Sure, I looked up to him. Everyone did. He's really talented. And he was one of the seniors. He didn't have to be nice to the little kids. But he was my friend, even though he was older, we had a real connection right from the start, we were both all about the music, you know? So when Chris called me about forming the group, I said JC would be good to have on board, because I knew he was still writing stuff and he hadn't gotten very far. He was actually staying at my house when Chris called, except I didn't know about—that he—I didn't know. Then.
"I mean, he said she was like a second mom to him, he said that! But she was my mom first, he only knew her because he was my friend, he had his own mother. And you're not supposed to do that with your mom. How could she be like a mom to him if he was doing that?
"No. I don't wanna talk about it."
"Look, I talked about it before. To the other guys. And no, it didn't help, it didn't help at all. Chris just didn't get it. Lance went on about my Bipedal Complex and being all cryptic with the eyebrows like he does. And Joey was like, man, your mom's hot, and I could have killed him. Just kidding. But I mean, that's just wrong. Sure, she's, you know, she's a sexy lady. Was, I mean. She always smelled so good. You know, like a mom is supposed to smell. I got her to send me the shower gel she always used, when she went back to the States. That way I could feel, you know, close to her even when she wasn't there. I could shower, and I'd rub myself all over with it so that I'd smell like Mom, and it made me feel better. I still use that brand.
"I'm a very clean person. I like everything to be clean. I hate it when I have to be somewhere that isn't clean. I get people to sterilize things, it's important. I shower all the time, I always have. I like bathrooms. I mean, it's not like anyone's eating anything off the table after. It was a bit of a problem for a while, because. Well. Chris noticed that I—it was difficult, because, because I'd get these pictures in my head of the two of them, they never locked the door, I swear they wanted me to see, and then when I went into the bathroom I was, I was, uncomfortable. But I could shower, and then I felt better."
"Was I okay with it when Mom left and went back to Millington? I guess. It was okay. I was grown up by then, we were really successful, I was the most popular one in the group, even more than JC. I'm pretty sure. You know what, actually it was better when she was back home because then she and JC weren't around all over the place doing that stuff any more where anybody could just walk in, I swear they did it on purpose so that I would find them, they wanted me to know what they were doing. It wasn't fair. She was my mom, mine, and he was my best friend, not hers.
"Oh, yeah, of course he was my best friend. Well, Chris, too, but that was different. JC and me, we have so much in common, you know?
"They didn't actually fuck, not properly. At least, not until—I mean, I walked in one night, we had a connecting door and they were there on the bed and they were, I couldn't see exactly, but JC said after that they weren't doing actual fucking, it was um. The other kind. I was traumatized.
"So I told JC he had to do it with me instead. To resolve my psychological crisis, because of the trauma. I didn't tell the other shrink, but you seem a bit more understanding. I even bought all the stuff so that he could do it to me like they did it. JC kisses real good, you know? Well, no, you don't know, because you're, like, old and shit, but he was good. I didn't even think about the germs and stuff, not much anyway, not until after. So I kinda understood what was up with my mom wanting JC for stuff, and 'sides, she wasn't touring with us any more so it was okay.
"It was so much better when they didn't get together. My mom was back to being my mom again, and JC was there, and he had a girlfriend and I had a girlfriend, but sometimes we did stuff anyway because it was kinda hot, and you know you can get these enema things so it's actually not dirty at all, hardly. And you know, it was better, I felt okay about it, when I knew exactly what it was like. JC even wore her panties sometimes, I liked it when he did that. See, I really love my mom. I got this amazing tattoo, so I could feel really close to her, you know? So everybody would know exactly what she means to me. She loved that I got the tattoo, she said it was beautiful. JC liked it too. He used to lick it.
"Are we done for today? Because I need to go to the bathroom."
"I don't want to talk about that. Why do we have to talk about that?
"Oh, you mean, I could get out of here, if I tell you about stuff? Oh. Well, okay then. If it means I can get out of here. I have stuff to do, you know, I'm a very busy guy and there's nobody managing the business for me right now.
"But it wasn't my fault! It really wasn't. They shouldn't have done what they did. Everything was just fine the way it was, only they had to—
"See, I thought we were happy. I thought it was all working out just fine. I didn't even know JC was visiting.
"Yeah. Okay. So I was over at my mom's place. I think Paul was away, he works for me, you know, he helps Mom with the business. Anyway, he wasn't there. So Mom and me, we stayed up late, just the two of us, on the couch, she stroked my hair, and she still smelled like that shower gel, so. It was nice.
"Then I woke up early the next day. Maybe they woke me up, maybe they made a noise, they wanted me to find them, that's what they were like, always doing stuff where they knew I was going to walk in and see. So I needed coffee, and I thought I could do it, I thought I could just go in and make the coffee, only. They were there. Kitchen—kitchen table. I—
"Sorry about that. I told you it makes me want to throw up. You got some water?
"Yeah, yeah, I can talk about it. You need to know why it wasn't my fault. See, they were right there, on the kitchen table, they were—they were fucking, you know, like that. Like JC couldn't do it to me. My lover, fucking my mother. Like I didn't even exist. So I, I—
"Knife. Yeah. Kitchens have those, so I. Yeah.
"I mean, they shouldn't have done that. They shouldn't have. It wasn't my fault.
"Yeah, so then, there was blood all over. So I went upstairs to the bathroom and took a shower. Cleaned myself off, and. Made myself feel better.
"So. How soon can I get out of here?"
